


Only the Enterprise Crew

by musicmillennia



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Humor, M/M, Starship Enterprise Crew Being Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-26
Updated: 2013-08-07
Packaged: 2017-12-16 06:41:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/859032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/musicmillennia/pseuds/musicmillennia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Many things about the Enterprise set her apart from other Starfleet ships; her crew is one of them. For there are just some things that most crews simply wouldn't do that this one does. </p><p>For one, most won't hack the speakers for Easter and dance to Single Ladies. Nor do they play old Earth video games while intoxicated.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Regarding the Captain and First Officer's (Ahem) Advancing Relationship

**Author's Note:**

> My first multi-chapter :) I wanted to do something fun after seeing Into Darkness. Please bear in mind that this is all just for fun, and is not under any circumstances to be taken seriously.

A/N: I believe most of you know about a certain cake that sometimes makes an appearance on Tumblr dashboards? If not, you will find out. This chapter is based on that cake.

{~*~}

While in reality it had been Sulu's fault, he still retains that it most certainly had been Captain Kirk and Commander Spock who were responsible for the outcome of what was  _their_ actions (and boy, had there been a lot of those).

Sulu was ever so innocently walking back to his quarters after what he felt had been an unreasonably long shift (it had really been a standard Beta but he refuses to comment on that) when he'd heard a noise. It sounded like someone had been injured. Naturally he'd wanted to help so he followed the noise. It led to Commander Spock's quarters.

Sulu was about to ring, when he heard an unmistakeable voice gasp the First Officer's name. It was most definitely Captain Kirk's. This gasp was followed by a variety of noises, all pertaining to one obvious conclusion. To put it in Terran terms, the Captain and his FO were finally gettin' it on.

And no matter how much Spock tried to shush the sounds, it was too late. The blatant fact that he and Kirk were most definitely at that point the entire crew had been expecting had already forced Sulu's hand. It had been a dare, actually. Whoever had solid evidence that the Captain and Commander Spock were--to once again use Terran terms--banging, were to be put to the task of replicating a very special sort of cake. A cake that was to then be placed in front of whichever quarters the action set in.

Sulu did only what he'd been told. It was the fault of Captain Kirk and Commander Spock that he was forced to do what he'd done.

The deed was soon discovered, as Spock heard some suspicious movement outside of his quarters. He pulled on a robe Nyota had given him for a human holiday known as Christmas and approached the door. However, Sulu was already running around a corner.

Then Spock smelled something. It was...sweet. Like an Earth pastry. And it was coming from the floor, so he looked down.

"...Captain."

"Hmm?" a voice hummed from behind him.

"I believe the crew has sent us a message."

"Wha?"

"To use a Terran phrase, "you must see this in order to believe it.'"

"See  _what_?" Kirk grouched, grabbing his pants and reluctantly getting out of bed, "Spock, whatever it is, can't I see it when I'm more awa--" one can imagine that when he cut off it was at the moment he saw the cake.

The Enterprise shaped cake that had the words CONGRATULATIONS ON THE SEX written on it in gold and blue letters, followed by the Starfleet insignia.

Now, most Captains would have started glaring at least. Spock knew of many who would have started yelling, found the culprit, and executed disciplinary action (there was also the matter of most Captins wouldn't sleep with their First Officer in the first place, but he does not comment on that). But James Tiberius Kirk was simply not like most Captains. In fact, Spock was certain that there was not another Captain like him anywhere in the universe.

Jim proved this by taking one look at the cake and laughing until his face was red and his sides ached. He stumbled to the comm and patched it to the rest of the ship as soon as he could.

"K-Kirk to--ahahahaha!--Kirk to everyone. T-thank you for your--pfffft!--generous gift! It must've been a bitch to get the replicator to do that! So ah, i-if any--HA!--if anyone wants to help us eat this cake, then-then meet us in the cafeteria in ten. Ahahahahaha! K-K-Kihirk out!"

All in all, Sulu can't say he regrest what he did. The cake tasted delicious anyway, and everyone had a nice time.

Except for Spock. But then again, in Sulu's opinion, Spock  _never_ looked like he was having a good time.

 


	2. Helping Dr. McCoy See Sense

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reminder that none of this is to be taken seriously.

Even from a logical standpoint, Spock could see that Lieutenant Uhura and Doctor McCoy were attracted to each other in a way that surpassed what Jim often referred to as 'the friend zone'. (At least Spock assumes that is what he means when he uses the term.) Whenever Nyota goes to Dr. McCoy for even the slightest of injuries--most of which would not constitute as a logical reason for visiting the Sickbay in the first place--the man has what Spock believes in Terran terms is a 'freak out', which is completely unnecessary. Furthermore, whenever they interact with each other outside of the Sickbay, they seem to--what was the phrase?--'dance around' (Spock realizes that he more Terran expressions he uses the more ridiculous they sound to him).

At first, it was simply something that Spock observed when there was a distinct lull in activity on the Enterprise. Not that he willingly partakes in watching personal matters of the crew's lives on a whim; Dr. McCoy and Nyota only failed to hide it. Spock did not much care, truthfully. Their business was their own, and unless it affected the safety of other crew members or the Enterprise itself--highly unlikely, nearing impossible--then Spock would not interfere.

However, Jim's increased relations with Spock seemed to have...done something to Spock's capacity of emotional control. It was not substantial of course. Yet it was enough that Spock now looked at the interactions of Dr. McCoy and Lieutenant Uhura and he became...annoyed? Exasperated? Frustrated, even? No, nothing so extreme. It was something like an itch that he could not seem to be rid of.

Jim noticed, as he always did, that something was wrong. This results in his inquiring after the issue one evening after coitus, where he believes Spock to be more forthcoming with matters as he is.

"You okay?" he murmurs, tracing relaxing patterns on Spock's chest that Spock cannot say he does not derive any physical pleasure from. "You seem...I don't know, off. Anything you wanna talk about?"

Spock finds he can no longer hide many things from Jim Kirk, even if he had a desire to do so. This is one particular matter he wishes to make known besides, so he does not resist. "I fint that I am concerned about the relationship between Lieutenant Uhura and Dr. McCoy," he replies.

Jim's face pinches together, as if he had just consumed a sour Earth lemon. "Bones and Uhura? Why?"

"I cannot refrain from noticing that they are drawn to each other and wish to commence a romantic relationship. I find that I am somehow bothered by--Jim?"

Jim's shaking in his arms; he is laughing. Spock wonders what is so amusing. He does not have to wait long for an answer.

"I just-- _you_ of all people-- _you_ noticed they were--" he shakes his head, "That's when you  _know_ it's bad!"

"I fail to understand what is 'bad' and how my observation would help me find the negative in the situation."

"No, no, it's--oh, forget it," Jim smiles. It is a...nice expression to see on his face. Spock finds that he enjoys watching the way Jim's eyes shine with his joy, glowing bright through their bond similar to a sun's rays during an Earth spring day.

"Don't worry Spock," he assures him, "I'll look into it."

"The situation does not concern me, Jim."

Jim just nods his head.

{~*~}

Jim observes as Spock does for two days afterwards, only 10%  more frequently. Spock notices that the longer Jim watches, the more agitated he becomes. It is a wonder he lasts as long as he does until he, as the Terrans say, 'snaps'. (Though he remains perfectly intact, so logically Spock does not see how this applies.)

Dr. McCoy was just leaving the Bridge. He hesitates when he passes Lieutenant Uhura as if wanting to say something. He opens his mouth but closes it shortly after, walking towards the lift with a frustrated expression.

Jim 'snaps' then. "For the love of--Bones, get back in here!"

The rest of the Bridge besides Uhura and Spock seem to breathe a collective sigh of relief. Dr. McCoy goes to the chair.

"What now?" he gripes, irritable as per usual.

"Bones, this is getting painful to watch," Jim states.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"He is addressing your continuous avoidance of the fact that yourself and Lieutenant Uhura are obviously drawn to one another in a way that suggests you wish to commence a romantic relationship," Spock explains.

Jim gestures to him, "Thank you, Mr. Spock. What he said!"

Lieutenant Uhura and Dr. McCoy both are on the brink of showing the Bridge their combined wrath. They appear to be...what was the word? 'Scandalized', as well as sufficiently angered.

"Now as Captain, I usually try not to get involved in personal matters," Jim amends, "But I believe I can speak for everyone on this ship when I say that this has become unbearable to witness. So without further ado, Dr. McCoy: I order you to ask Lieutenant Uhura to have dinner with you so we can all sleep tonight."

Chekov's complexion whitens; Sulu appears to be enjoying himself; others are in agreement with the latter. Unfortunately, Nyota is not partaking in such amusement. She is in a state of disbelief. Dr. McCoy's face has never been so red.

"James Kirk," Dr. McCoy says through clenched teeth, "You son of a bitch, if you think I'm actually going to--"

"Do it or I  _will_ be forced to lock you both up in a room until this sorts itself out," Jim says sternly, "Do not presume to think I won't."

He raises his eyebrows in a gesture of challenge. Dr. McCoy knows from the Captain's face that he is very serious in his threat, especially when his finger hovers over the button needed to call security officers to the Bridge. Spock cannot deny that, while it  _is_ the epitome of melodrama and not to mention illogical, Jim's exercising his authority is a sight he also enjoys seeing.

He realizes then that there are many things he enjoys about Jim. How had he not noticed before?

Dr. McCoy gives a frustrated grunt. Nevertheless, he turns to Lieutenant Uhura and forces out, "Do yah wanna have dinner?"

Spock feels the slightest twinge of admiration from his human side directed at Nyota for the calmness of her response. "I will be in my quarters. 21:00."

Dr. McCoy, despite previous implications of Uhura's possible acceptance to his advances, still seems surprised at the affirmative. He swallows and nods curtly, then glares at Jim the whole way to the lift.

"You'll thank me for this!" Jim grins. At Uhura's expression, he rolls his eyes. "Hey, it was  _Spock_ who brought it to my attention, Lieutenant. You have to admit, that's  _bad_."

Those around him agree. Spock is more or less confused as to the meaning of the Captain's statement.

Dr. McCoy did not thank Jim and neither did Uhura. However, the frequency of a positive mood in both of them increases by 90.4%. Spock figures that warrants gratitude, as it had been Jim's order that started their romantic relations.

He wonders sometimes if he will ever fully understand Humans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading :)


	3. In Which Chekov Knows a Classic Dance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who knew?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might come up with more, but my posting these additional ideas of course depends on how much you like it :) however, for now this is all I have.
> 
> This one is definitely the shortest. I hope you like it anyway.

On every holiday that can pass as cause for a party, the Enterprise crew takes full advantage. So Easter is a big deal when it finally comes around; suddenly, the speakers are hacked to pound Earth music, eggs are hidden all over the ship (Scott watching the little bastards like a hawk), and the entirety of the Enterprise is turned into a giant party room (giving Scotty another headache).

While Spock is steadfastly against the idea of simply leaving the ship virtually defenseless, Jim can't resist.

"Do yourself a favor and have  _fun_!" he laughs. Spock is not impressed.

Jim runs to one of the main rec rooms, where most of the crew went for dancing. When he gets there, Nyota is announcing that it's time for a classic.

Single Ladies starts playing throughout the Enterprise; everyone cheers and laughs. A few ladies who know the dance go to the center of the room and start doing it. Their audience forms a large circle around them.

Then, out of nowhere, a voice shouts, "I can do zat!"

Jim is presented with Chekov running up behind Nurse Chapel and dancing the Single Ladies routine. The room can hardly cheer him on from laughing so hard. People are wishing they had a camera, and Jim can't disagree; watching the little Russian kid dance to Beyoncé is a sight he never wants to forget.

Ah, well. They could always copy the security tapes later.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enterprise Crew out.


	4. Playing Old Earth Games About Slender Men While Inebriated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes Spock does not know why he bothers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was inspired by multiple videos I was watching today to cheer myself up, as I've been in a bit of an emotional rut and was in desperate need of respite. One of the games I watched people scream at that stood out to me was Slender. (Yes I watch people scream at horror games. We all have our sources of humor.) If you are not aware of this game I suggest you try to stay away from it; it can be, for lack of a better term, creepy.
> 
> Unless of course you are similar to myself, in which case go and watch (and cackle) at the hapless victims on YT.
> 
> BE WARNED: I went all out crack on this one; you could say I spared no expense on this T-Rex of crackdom. That horrible allusion just now represents how horribly, ridiculously silly I was (and am) while writing this. Also, be prepared for a lot of CAPS LOCK phrases, and language of course due to intoxication.
> 
> I sincerely hope you at least get a small chuckle :) try to go easy on me?

There are many things Spock understands; acknowledging them all would take approximately 4.12 days. However, there are also many things that, admittedly, he does not understand. At the moment he is aware of four things that escape his comprehension:

1) What is the source of the non-regulated alcohol they acquired?

2) How did they obtain such a primitive device?

3) How do adult male voices reach such octaves?

4) Why do some of these Humans find their raucous so entertaining?

"They" being the pronoun describing the group crowded around an old Earth computing device called a laptop; namely the Captain, Dr. McCoy, Mr. Chekov, Mr. Sulu, Mr. Scott, and--of all people--Nyota. They are obviously inebriated if their flushed faces and strange babbling are of any indication, and currently are screaming, shouting, and falling over each other in a darkened Rec Room 3. Spock does not blame those who are rushing out to escape the noise, though as he has previously stated, he does not know why many others are gathered around and laughing quite enthusiastically as the senior staff scare and curse at each other over a small screen.

"OOOOOH MY GOOO-NOOO!!" Jim yells, jumping out of his chair with unheard of altitude, shoving at McCoy.

To which McCoy responds with, "Oh FUCK no, you can'--you can' make me play this fuckin' game!"

"SOMEONE GRAB THE MOUSE, WE'RE GONNA DIE!" Sulu shouts with unnecessary volume that hurts Spock's sensitive ears.

As if he had been waiting to use what everyone calls his 'catchphrase', Chekov immediately pries McCoy's hands off of his shoulders and surges forward to the wireless mouse with a jubilant, "I CAN DO ZAT!"

"Hurrae up, lad!" Scott calls over Jim's shoulder, one hand tearing at his hair and the other pointing at the screen, "'E's gonna get yeh!"

"Go left," Jim orders, voice cracking, "GO LEFT!! CHEKOV FUCKING GO LEFT!"

"I AM TRYING, SIR!" Chekov shouts.

A strange noise comes from the laptop; Nyota is the first to shriek before the rest of the group joins in, curses and cries weaving together to create a gargantuan cloud of noise that gives Spock a light headache.

"MOTHER FUCKERRR!"

"JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL!!"

"I DIDN'T LEAVE GEORGIA FOR THIS SHIT!"

These are all examples of what Spock hears admist the pandemonium, the distinguishable Standard phrases at least. Chekov and Nyota have resorted to roar at the screen in their native languages, while Mr. Scott's accent has become so thick it is difficult to deduce what exactly he is trying to communicate, if he is making a true attempt at all. They calm down marginally after a few excrutiating moments, during which Spock makes up his mind that this must cease immediately, else all holiday celebrations on the ship will have to be cancelled. As First Officer it is within his authority, provided the Admiralty supports his case.

"What is the meaning of this?" is all he has to say before--" _Oof!_ " he is almost tackled by a frantic Jim who somehow believes he is a climbable tree.

"Spock, thank God, shit, this game is--it's fuggin' messed up!" the so-called esteemed Captain of the USS  _Enterprise_ whimpers, all four limbs wrapped around Spock's torso like a child.

"You are all grossly intoxicated," Spock points out, "A simple game would of course seem overly frightening to you. May I suggest you cease the activity before--"

"GET THE PAGE!" Nyota's shout interrupts him, "IT'S ON THE FUCKING WALL!" she has never cursed in Spock's presence before; it is most unusual, and would be quite amusing if she were not screaming.

"There is no wall, woman!" McCoy snaps. Despite his earlier objection he seems to have taken Chekov's place the controls, "Where on God's green Earth do you fucking see a damn wall?!"

"Ve're in _SPACE_ , dokter!" Chekov cries in wonderment, though Spock was certain he'd been trying to correct McCoy's choice of word.

"Guys, guys," Sulu slurs, waving his hands in a calming gesture, "Le's all-le's all just calm down, we're-we're all friends here!"

None of them listen. If anything, they all get worse. Scott shoves between a Chekov whose head is in his hands and a growling, red-faced McCoy who is furiously punching at the keyboard. "There's the wall righ' there!" he points, "Yer gonna miss it, yah bloody prick! Turn around!"

"Len, turn the fuck around!" Nyota commands furiously, "Turn the-you  _bastard_ , it's right in front of your damn eyes!"

"The language is most appalling," Spock says, using the hand that is not supporting Jim to rub his temple, "I am afraid I will have to turn off the--"

Suddenly the entire room is looking at him with a chorus of, " _NO!_ "

Spock is...confused, to say the least. "I must insist, as it is logical to prevent damage to vocal chords--"

As if his bondmate was not speaking at all, Jim unlatches from him, only to snatch his wrist and tell him with insane, wide eyes, "Spock! Spock,  _you_ need tah play! You got the-the logic! Logic is  _good_ _!_ " Spock figures it is a testament to Jim's intoxication that he is saying such things. "Pleaaase, we gotta--you just gotta find these notes and watch out for this crazy guy in a suit!"

Old Earth games are most strange.

"If I find these notes and avoid this, as you say, 'crazy guy', will you cease your rambling?" Spock inquires, longing for the tranquility of his quarters.

"I-I swear! I will totally give you so much sex," Jim tells him sincerely, causing the sober people in the room to laugh while Spock's face darkens. Whatever filter the Captain normally has--for he does have one, oddly enough--it has been thoroughly eradicated by his alcohol consumption.

"I must ask you to refrain from speaking now, Jim," Spock informs him as he takes the chair in front of the laptop, McCoy grumbling drunkenly at him as he takes over the movement. "How do I navigate?"

Confusing chatter comes from all around him, but Spock is nothing if not intelligent. He quickly learns how to move through the poorly animated forest and shine the flashlight where he wishes. Unfortunately once the intoxicated group sees he has the controls, they begin to shout warnings at him instead. All he receives is:

"Don' look at the sky!"

"Or the ground!"

"HOLD SHIFT TO RUN!"

"The camera's gonna shit on itself ifin 'e gets too close!"

Jim's voice is the most distinct, as he has chosen to wrap around Spock from behind and babble aimlessly in his ear. "Y'gotta get the pages, th-the pages are like,  _everything_ ," he's mumbling, "Wer on like--four...ty."

"There's like nine, not  _fourty_ ," Nyota retorts.

"Both of yeh are wrong!" Scott counters, "I though' fer sure it was eight!"

Spock then finds a bright, white rectangle on a tree.

"OHMYGAWWW GET IT!" Jim yells.

"IT'S A PAGE! IT'S A FUCKING PAGE!" McCoy shouts as if he does not know why the object holds any significance; Spock cannot disagree with him for once on this point.

Chekov, however, believes the item to be of extreme value. He voices as such, "GREHB IT, SIR! IT EES IMPURTENT!"

"IT IS SO FUCKING IMPORTANT!" Sulu agrees loudly.

Nyota just screams.

It is chaos...over an animated piece of paper.

_Fascinating._

Spock represses a sigh and continues searching; he does not get far, the  _5/8_  hardly appearing on the screen (adding to the list of things that escape Spock's understanding: how did they get this far?) before he turns the character around and sees a faceless suited man not far from him in the trees. As he had been told prior to seeing what is presumably the antagonist, the screen begins to fog with static.

Jim would have been choking him if he was stronger; nevertheless, what he lacks in physical strength he certainly makes up for with volume. Everyone else is the same. It is similar to the previous shouting match, but impossibly worse, as Spock is now directly in the middle of it all, attempting to remain calm among the frightened, drunk Humans.

"IT'S THE SLENDER MAN!"

"RUNRUNRUNRUN!"

"HOLY SHIT! HOLY  _SHIT_!"

A small portion of Spock's mind wonders whether all First Officers experience such activity on their starships, or if it is himself in particular who must suffer through such circumstances as these. He is beginning to think the Christmas mistletoe prank is preferred to this post-Easter celebration, and recalling Sulu filling up an entire botany lab with growing mistletoe then proceeding to fill the ship with them, this is a significant point.

"GO LEFT! GO LEFT!"

"NO, GO RIGHT! YAH GOTTA GO RIGHT!"

" _THE FUCKING HOUSE IN ON THE RIGHT, DUMBASS!!_ "

"WHY THE FUCK ELSE DO YOU THINK I'M SAYING IT, BITCH?!"

Spock does not follow the guidance of McCoy or Sulu, opting to go in the direct opposite direction of the suited man. This action only caused the two arguing men to progress into higher octaves than before, reaching something akin to female operatic by the time Spock reaches a fence and is therefore forced to pick a direction.

As he has (occasionally) done since he boarded the ship as First Officer, he listens to Jim, who is murmuring, "I know there's gotta be sumsorta note thing by a truck. I dunno where iddis but I thiiink it's..." he jams a finger onto the left side of the screen, "Thataways."

"You wish me to go left, Captain?" Spock inquires, just to clarify. Jim nods into his shoulder. As he is being the only quiet one, Spock obeys.

With the Vulcan's logical mind and nimble fingers, the note count quickly escalates afterwards until there is only one note left to acquire. Spock cannot say the game amuses him with the manic cheering that is now oppressing his ears. He moves as quickly as possible throughout the game's terrain with the goal of peaceful meditation in his quarters set in his mind, rather than retrieving scribbled notes for no apparent reason. At the very least he has learned the Humans enjoy thrills wherever they are able to obtain them, even if one consists in an old game.

That, and Humans can scream quite loudly.

The final note is on a wall, diverting Spock's thoughts back to meditating in his quarters. Everyone is screeching like banshees in his ears again as he approaches and grabs it...and a most peculiar thing happens, warranting these reactions:

"WHAT?!"

"THIS GAME IS SHIT!"

"THAT'S NOT EVEN FUCKIN' FAIR!"

"I LEFT THE PARTY FOR  _THIS_?"

"SCREW THAT!"

"WHAT THE HELL, SPOCK?!"

Spock raises an eyebrow at Jim. "It is not my fault the programmer chose such an ending, Captain. Now, if you would release me, I wish to retire to my quarters for the evening."

Jim, unfortunately, does not let go for quite some time.

{~*~}

Spock cannot hide his smug eyebrow as the group walks around the next morning with raging headaches and hoarse voices. He walks up to the Captain's chair and, looking down at a haggard Jim, says, "I believe the phrase I am looking for is--"

"Don't," Jim mutters, "Just  _don't_."

The Vulcan does it anyway. "...I told you so."

Sulu groans.

 


End file.
